The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. “Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H. Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.” Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama. LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week) LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit. The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…” Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt” Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling. Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of. Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me.
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